1 Corinthians 15:8

Paul, who wrote this letter, was originally one of the most fierce opponents of Christianity — he hunted down believers, oversaw their imprisonment, and was present at the killing of Stephen, one of the first Christian martyrs. He lists himself last among those who saw the risen Jesus, using a striking Greek word often translated as "abnormally born" — meaning something like a premature birth, a birth outside the normal order. He's acknowledging that his encounter with Jesus came after the expected timeline of resurrection appearances, and that given his violent history against Christians, he felt genuinely unworthy to be included. It is one of the most raw and honest moments in all of Paul's writing.

God, I sometimes feel like I came to you sideways — through the wrong door, at the wrong time, with too much history. Thank you that your grace doesn't require a clean origin story. Help me stop explaining away my place in what you are doing. Amen.

There's something almost jarring about how Paul describes himself here. Not "late to the party" or "a surprise addition" — he reaches for a word that means something closer to a miscarriage, a birth that wasn't supposed to happen. He isn't fishing for reassurance. He is genuinely wrestling with the strangeness of grace — that the man who stood by while Stephen was stoned, who dragged families from their homes, somehow ended up on the same eyewitness list as Peter. Most of us carry some version of "I don't deserve to be on this list." Maybe it's shame about something in your past, or a quiet suspicion that your faith is somehow less legitimate because of how you came to it — through a crisis, a rock bottom, a moment you're not proud of. Paul doesn't tidy this up. He just puts it in the letter. The grace that found him wasn't diminished by arriving late or arriving through the back door. Neither is the grace that has found you.